What Mothers Need: A Little Moderation
Recently I had a wonderful conversation with my sister. I was expressing my worry that I wasn’t doing a good enough job as a mother and homemaker. I am sure that every woman and her mother has struggled with this worry. It’s not unique but it is also no less acute for its commonality. And my sister was ready with the right reply. She reminded me that of course I wouldn’t be able to be the perfect homemaker and would have many shortcomings as a mother. And that, on the one hand, that was okay. And on the other hand, it wasn’t okay but I was forgiven for my failings. I knew that, but what a relief it was to hear someone say it to me, especially an experienced mother like my sister.
It has struck me since the conversation that there is a balance in her wisdom that we Christians would do well to remember. Just because it’s okay that I will not be able to be the perfect homemaker doesn’t mean it’s okay for me to use that excuse to stop trying as hard as I can to care for my family and provide a home that is clean, comfortable, and cozy. While perfection will never be within our grasp, we ought to remember that sloth and selfishness are always lying near at hand to entice us. I need to hear those comforting words that my incomplete work is forgiven without allowing the message to become a “pass” for neglecting my duty. In the simplest terms, this is the essence of the Christian life. We are ever convicted of our failings, our sin, but we are ever reminded that we are perfect in Christ and have the freedom to live a holy, sanctified life because our life is His and not our own. It’s so easy to feel that in my vocation, I am the one that needs to hear that message the most. We all need to hear it, of course, but doesn’t it just sound like it is speaking directly about mothers and wives?
But that message is surely not the message we receive when we search for comfort and reassurance outside our Savior. I suspect that many people would reply to my worry with the loud proclamation that I was doing a perfect job - that doing my best was perfect and even when I had a hard day, I was still “perfect”. What limp comfort! I am going to feel guilty about my failures and shortcomings. When my husband works incredibly hard on a roof in the sweltering heat and suffocating humidity all day long and I can barely finish the dishes and vacuum the floor, it doesn’t matter if I have good reason for getting so little done. I will feel guilty. And telling me that I needn’t feel guilty and that I am in fact doing a perfect job is insipid reassurance. I want to know I’m forgiven! And there is a big difference between those two messages. If you pay attention and listen closely, you will find that insipid message everywhere. I am here to say that it does us no good.
Along the same vein, but perhaps a slightly different aspect of this topic, I am weary of the “give yourself permission” language of today. And I’m confused because that language is always accompanied by “women are so strong and mighty!” Well which is it? When do women get to be human? Human beings fail daily, need help, and have to admit this over and over. Women are no different. The modern messaging becomes so silly when we constantly tell ourselves that we’re perfect just the way we are. No, we aren’t. Don’t “give yourself permission” to do something you know you shouldn’t or to not do something you know you should. Just work hard, repent when you fall down, and rejoice in the love and forgiveness you’ve been given for Christ’s sake. It isn’t easy to confront your weaknesses - I am not saying that it is. But confronting our weaknesses, our sins, grants us true freedom. Frankly, it’s the most honest way to live. Closing our eyes to where we’ve done wrong or to our wrong beliefs mires us in deception and leaves us stuck in our failings. Think about it. If our failings are perfectly normal and not cause for repentance, why would we ever try to recover from them? We wouldn’t. We would embrace them. And you know how terrible you feel when you have failed or struggled or made a mistake. Don’t embrace that feeling. Repentance and renewal in Christ grants us a way of recovery, a chance to be freed from that terrible feeling, and a new energy to do better. Some will accuse me of “shaming” women for “being bad wives and mothers.” Quite the opposite. I am stating that shame comes naturally to us when we know we have failed, in a small way or large. So I’m not causing shame by pointing out how you and I already feel. I’m stating that there is relief to be found by honestly confronting those failures and finding forgiveness in the only One who can forgive.
On the other hand, I am also tired of hearing women say, “I am giving myself permission,” because sometimes it implies that what they are giving themselves permission to do is indeed somehow wrong or, what I notice more and more frequently, indulgent. We do not need to be forgiven for not having a “Pinterest-perfect” home, as a good friend recently put it. We don’t need permission to forgo the handmade curtains, leave the bathroom without that DYI update, or simply not spend our extra moment on a Saturday bargain shopping for new clothes for the already-clothed children. We ought to practice some discretion and recognize that not being Penny Pinterest is not a sin. Moderation in all things. We don’t need permission to sit down for a rest, to spend a quiet moment with a good friend, to take a shower that lasts longer than four minutes. Taking care of our own bodies and souls is not simply today’s poorly termed “self-care”. It isn’t a form of the hilarious and obviously excessive “Treat-Yo-Self” practice from that popular TV show. It’s appropriate and proper for both the woman and those the woman is caring for. Rest is as necessary and good as the work we must do. Feeding our minds and souls with a good book, deep study, a visit with a friend, or simply a quiet hour of contemplation is as important as nourishing our bodies.
That last point is worth thinking deeply about: how are we feeding our minds and souls? Do we nourish ourselves with what is good or with what feels good? Do you feed your body ice cream and call it nourishment? No, you call that a special treat. Nourishment for your body doesn’t always taste sweet and creamy like ice cream, but it still is delicious and good - we learn that when we become adults and realize that brussel sprouts and asparagus can actually be tasty and are not just a way for our parents to torture us. And, just like that example of an adult developing truly good taste for proper nourishing food, we also have to develop our taste for what we feed our minds and souls. Reading Shakespeare, taking time and energy to concentrate on an idea, or creating space in our lives to learn a craft like bread baking or sewing is not easy - initially our palate rejects it as “yucky” because it is unfamiliar and difficult. Obviously some things are more “treat-like” - taking a long bath or an afternoon nap, for instance. I still would call those nourishing, even if it’s easier for us to enjoy them. But the more difficult things take time, commitment, and eventually a slowly built habit to truly enjoy and benefit from them. This makes me think of Erik’s thoughts on why classical music ought to be beautiful, and how listening to classical music for the first time is difficult to enjoy but has great rewards as we learn to appreciate it more and more over time.
It might seem like I’m contradicting myself but that’s only because I’m trying to find a happy middle. While I lament our silly and overindulgent culture, I also reject the conservative Christian’s tendency to overreact and overcorrect. There are things I ought to do for my family. I will fail sometimes and I need to be forgiven. Also, I need to take care of myself and be taken care of by my husband in order to take care of my family well. I don’t need permission to do that. It’s possible for both to be true and wisdom finds the happy medium.
Recent Posts
